A Song for Ethan

Lately I’ve been thinking a lot about my biggest boy, Ethan. In part that’s because another of my sons, Henry, has been so much on my mind these days, and in many ways the two brothers remind me of each other. But I’ve also been thinking about my eldest son for another reason. Because this man cub of mine chooses not to abide by the rules of the Shoe, it probably won’t be too long before he leaves this comfy nest of ours. But Ethan is no longer a child. He’s a young man now, an adult, with his own ideas, and hopes and dreams. He’s ready to set off on his own, to seek his fortune, to test those eager wings of his. And that is as it should be. Children are supposed to separate from their parents. But I still can’t help feeling a little sadness at how quickly the time has passed. I can’t help mourning the end of my first son’s childhood. I can’t help being concerned for his well-being. I can’t help wishing that he was still all mine.

I wrote the (not so great – even with the music) song below while I was grocery shopping one night when Ethan was around four or five years old. It will be quite obvious when you read it that I was shopping alone – sans kiddos. Otherwise the words wouldn’t have been so sweet. The funny thing is that the words I wrote that night, 13 or 14 years ago, are just as true today. Perhaps, in a way, they are more true. I wonder, mother friends of mine, if any of our dear children will ever know just how much we love them.

A Song for Ethan

Oh I don’t think you know how I love you
I hope that someday you will
understand why at night
when the whole house is quiet
I come to your room and I watch as you sleep.

And most times as I stand there in darkness
your soft sighs, like a song, fill the air.
Oh I say a prayer
and I ask God to hold you
and keep you safe in His loving embrace.

No, I don’t think you know how I love you
I hope that someday you will
understand why at night
when this old house is quiet
I come to your room and I watch as you sleep.

And sometimes I will lie down beside you
and I’ll kiss your sweet little boy brow
and long for the time
when I carried you safely inside of me.
When you were all mine.

Oh, I don’t think you know how I love you….