My Gabriel, My “Yes”

Gabriel, which means “Devoted to God”, is what I’ve decided to name the baby I miscarried last month. Of course, my wee one died too early to know whether it was a boy or a girl, but I think the name is appropriate either way.

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about another Gabriel – the Angel Gabriel and how he came to the Blessed Virgin to deliver the news that she was soon to be the Mother Of God. The whole idea must have seemed insane to Mary. She must have been afraid. She must have wondered “Why me?!” at least a few times. And that, of course, got me to thinking of Mary’s fiat, of her “Yes”, of her “Let it be done to me according to your word”. Such trust, such faith, such perfect obedience. All at once I realized that I, too, had recently received my own message from God, and that it had been delivered to me by, none other than, my unborn baby Gabriel – my own sweet messenger. God’s message to me was simply this, “I have given you all that you need. Stop searching for what you already have. Stay true to your vocation and strive always to use your gifts for my glory.” So simple. But if not for my Gabriel, I’m afraid it would have been a long time before I was able to really hear the message. Without my Gabriel I don’t know how long it would have been before I had the faith, courage and wisdom to answer God’s call with an obedient and trusting “Yes” of my own.

Thank you dear Gabriel. I love you. Please pray for me.

Tell Me Who You Love and I’ll Tell You Who You Are

I read an interesting post on another blog today.  I’d like to provide a link to it, but it seems the blog owner, Booklady, doesn’t allow that.  The post was especially intriguing to me because it addressed some of the very ideas I’ve been pondering lately.  Everything Booklady (and author, Byron Katie, who is quoted extensively in the post) had to say was good, but the excerpt below really hit home for me. 

Katie says to always begin with someone else, not yourself. Why? Because, ‘everyone is really a mirror image of yourself–your own thinking coming back at you.’ (p27)  And, ‘these people that we’re close to will give us everything we neeed, so that we can realize ourselves and be free of the lie.’ (p133)  ‘Our parents, our children, our spouses, and our friends will continue to press every button we have, until we realize what it is that we don’t want to know about ourselves, yet.  They will point us to our freedom every time.’  (p35)  And, ‘ you will have noticed that your judgments of others always turn back on you.’  (p145) 

Makes me think of the old Creole saying, “Tell me who you love and I’ll tell you who you are.”

Or of this – As in water face reflects face, So the heart of man reflects man.  Proverbs 27:19

Or of this – “The best mirror is an old friend”  George Herbert

Have you ever noticed how you just cannot ignore your physical flaws in those too brightly lit hotel room mirrors?  Those mirrors are nothing like the small, dimly lit ones I have at home.  Whether a purely conscious act or not, the mirrors at my house are arranged in ways that disguise my flaws and detract from my true image.  My guess is that most of us do the same thing with the mirrors of our souls. We keep them dimly lit and stategically placed in ways that accentuate our best parts and hide our worst. It’s hard to see who we are in our own mirrors – we make sure of that.  That’s where the people we know the best and love the most come in handy.  They’re like those darn hotel room mirrors;  brightly lit, spotlessly clean and reflecting back to us our true, unadulterated image.  It’s hard to ignore the truth when it’s presented so plainly.  Our relationship with our loved ones reflects who we really are – the beautiful parts and the ugly ones – whether we like it or not.  Tell me who you love and I’ll tell you who you are;  indeed. 

This Is What I Miss, Cordelia

I finally finished reading Cat’s Eye by Margaret Atwood.  I serendipitously stumbled across the book at a thrift store only a day or two after being told by my new librarian friend that I should read some of Atwood’s writing.  I agree that Ms. Atwood is a fine writer and I enjoyed reading Cat’s Eye very much, although it did strike me as little dark and disturbing.  It probably wasn’t the best thing for me to be reading at this point it time.  I’ve got enough dark disturbing stuff of my own.  I certainly don’t need to borrow any more.  Anyway, here’s a quote from the last page of the book that I can really relate to.  I happen to understand the sentiment perfectly.  And I’d be willing to bet that the lady who doesn’t capitalize the first letter of her name understands it too.

“This is what I miss, Cordelia:  not something that’s gone, but something that will never happen.  Two old women giggling over their tea.”

My First Pingback

I got my first pingback from Blue Moon’s Life.  She saw my previous post on the silly blogthings handwriting quiz and linked to it from one of her own blog posts, creating my very first pingback.  SO exciting!  Blue Moon discovered a really cool handwriting analysis test – more in-depth and, according to her, more accurate.  I tried it but had trouble choosing which examples best described my handwriting.  Guess analysis of my sloppy, chicken-scratch is a job best left to professionals!  Anyway, here’s a big thank you to Blue Moon’s Life – for the heads-up on a fun site and for making me a ping virgin no longer. 

What My Handwriting & the Fact That I’m Even Online Right Now Says About Me

Here I go with the blogthings quizzes again!  I’ve got my final (at least I hope it’s the final one) post miscarriage check-up in a little bit and should be getting ready for that, but here I sit. Maybe I need to take the “How Lazy Are You?” quiz. Or the “How Much of a Procrastinator Are You?” quiz. Or maybe I don’t really want to know the answer to those questions!  Not that blogthings quizzes are trustworthy scientific tests or anything. But I am often surprised at how close they come to hitting the nail on the head. I don’t know what to think about the handwriting quiz though. It says that I’m a poor communicator and that no one really knows exactly what I’m getting at. Is that true?! I’d hate to think that 43 years (okay, 42 years – I wasn’t talking at birth despite what my parents may say) worth of carefully chosen words have been wasted!

Okay, I’m off to do what I’m supposed to be doing.

What Your Handwriting Says About You

You are a fairly energetic person. You know how do pace yourself, and you deal well with stress.You range from very outgoing to very shy. You are a shapeshifter who is very versatile. You adapt well, and you look at things from many angles.You are balanced and grounded. You know how to get along well with others.You need a bit of space in your life, but you’re not a recluse. You expect people to give you a small amount of privacy, and you respect their privacy as well.You are somewhat traditional, but you are also open to change. You listen to your head and your heart.You are a poor communicator. No one really knows exactly what you’re getting at.

What Does Your Handwriting Say About You?

Tess Today in 205 Words

Not a morning person. Side parted, chin length hair, sloppily secured with a blue flowered plastic barrette. Blue canvas sneakers. White socks. Spaghetti-Os in a Hello Kitty Thermos, strawberry yogurt, Oreo cookies and apple juice carried to school in a blue and brown lunch tote. Funny faces. Ragged, dirty, little girl fingernails clipped and cleaned after school. Physical therapy with Nancy and Renae – sword fighting, scooter races, exercises, air hockey. Such a stong girl – in so many, many ways. Holding hands with Mama. Singing Oklahoma in anticipation of our state’s centennial this Friday. Forgotten spelling book. Finished Reading Forever Amber Brown (three days ahead of schedule) at school today. Expressed sadness over Chelsea moving out of the house. Green knit polo shirt, khaki pants – the school uniform. A Tinkerbell backpack. Spaghetti and garlic toast for dinner – a clean plate. Jumping on the trampoline with Chelsea and Chris (Chelsea’s boyfriend) who had stopped by for a visit. Silly dances (copied from Ursala the Sea Witch (who reminds Tess of her grandma ) from Disney’s Little Mermaid) on the way to bed. Good night hugs and kisses topped off by a signature surprise lick on the cheek. Precious baby, sweetly sleeping. My saving grace.

Don’t You Know What Causes That?!

 I think it’s funny when people, after being told that my husband and I have eight children, laugh and say, as if amazed at their own cleverness, “Don’t you know what causes that?” It’s not that I think the joke itself is funny – no, I don’t think that at all.  I think it’s a tired, worn out joke – the likes of which lost their ability to elicit sincere laughter from me some 35 years ago.  I do, however, find it quite funny that those who tell the joke think they’re actually comical.  That is what I’m laughing at when I hear the the latest rendition of the same old line.  But my heart is not laughing at all.  It is heavy with the knowledge that so many people are unable to see what a gift, what a blessing, what supreme happiness children are.  But I don’t hold it against those people.  I don’t get bent out of shape by their silly jokes.  I don’t take any of it personally.  I know they just don’t understand.  And I can sympathize with that; for there was a time, not so long ago, when I didn’t understand either. 

A couple of years ago I tried to explain my beliefs about birth control to a friend.  I didn’t feel like she’d understood my explanation so when I got home that night, I sent her an e-mail in an attempt to clear a few things up.  Below is a copy of that e-mail with names changed, of course, to protect the innocent ( as if there is such a thing. ).

Hi Earl,

What I’ve written is a little disjointed, but I’m too tired and lazy to fix it. You’re pretty dang smart, though – I’m confident you’ll understand what I’m trying to say.

Okay, here goes….

It’s not at all difficult for me to explain the reason Old Man and I don’t use artificial birth control. The Church teaches that it’s wrong, and even if we weren’t Catholic, I think I would find most forms of ABC, with the possible exception of barrier methods, morally unacceptable as they are all potentially abortifacient in nature. It is much more difficult for me to explain the reason we aren’t more conscientious in our use of NFP.

I’ve been thinking about this since I talked to you this afternoon. I doubt you care that much about what I have to say, but I want to tell you anyway. I want you to know that I’m not crazy, or acting irresponsibly in my willingness to be open to new life. It matters to me that you understand that while I am accepting of whatever new life God is gracious enough to entrust me with, I am not unafraid of the prospect of another pregnancy. It’s not necessarily what I want right now, or even in the future. But then again, it’s not necessarily what I don’t want either.  I’ve simply decided to trust God in the matter, in the same way I am learning to trust Him in all things.

Not a day goes by that I don’t thank our Heavenly Father for our precious babies, and for the bond their existence has created between my husband and myself. I know, without a doubt, that the arrival of each of our children has strengthened our love for one another even when I believed it could grow no stronger. My experience of God, my love for Him, my knowledge of Him, are inextricably connected to my love for my family. Without my babies, I’m not sure if I ever would have recognized His presence in my life. He speaks to me in language I understand. He knows what I need. And I’ve chosen to trust Him completely. Call me crazy, or irresponsible, or lacking in self-control but I know a blessing when I see one. My children are the “supreme gift” and the “crowning glory” of our marriage – plain and simple. I won’t refuse any gift He, in his infinite wisdom, chooses to bestow upon me.

Having said all that, I’ll now say that if ever a time comes when we feel that the addition of another child would prevent us from providing physically, emotionally, or otherwise for our family, we would certainly practice the self-discipline required to perfect our use of NFP, and self-control in refraining from sexual union during my fertile times.

Nope, we’re not crazy. Counter-culture? YES! Incredibly blessed? YES! Insane, ignorant, or misinformed? Absolutely not.

I’ve been doing a little reading on the subject. Here are some things I’d like to share with you.

From the Catechism of the Catholic Church

1643 “Conjugal love involves a totality, in which all the elements of the person enter – appeal of the body and instinct, power of feeling and affectivity, aspiration of the spirit and of will. It aims at a deeply personal unity, a unity that, beyond union in one flesh, leads to forming one heart and soul; it demands indissolubility and faithfulness in definitive mutual giving; and it is open to fertility. In a word it is a question of the normal characteristics of all natural conjugal love, but with a new significance which not only purifies and strengthens them, but raises them to the extent of making them the expression of specifically Christian values.”150

1652 “By its very nature the institution of marriage and married love is ordered to the procreation and education of the offspring and it is in them that it finds its crowning glory.”160

Children are the supreme gift of marriage and contribute greatly to the good of the parents themselves. God himself said: “It is not good that man should be alone,” and “from the beginning [he] made them male and female”; wishing to associate them in a special way in his own creative work, God blessed man and woman with the words: “Be fruitful and multiply.” Hence, true married love and the whole structure of family life which results from it, without diminishment of the other ends of marriage, are directed to disposing the spouses to cooperate valiantly with the love of the Creator and Savior, who through them will increase and enrich his family from day to day.16

From Humane Vitae

God’s Loving Design

8. Married love particularly reveals its true nature and nobility when we realize that it takes its origin from God, who “is love,” (6) the Father “from whom every family in heaven and on earth is named.” (7) Marriage, then, is far from being the effect of chance or the result of the blind evolution of natural forces. It is in reality the wise and provident institution of God the Creator, whose purpose was to effect in man His loving design. As a consequence, husband and wife, through that mutual gift of themselves, which is specific and exclusive to them alone, develop that union of two persons in which they perfect one another, cooperating with God in the generation and rearing of new lives. The marriage of those who have been baptized is, in addition, invested with the dignity of a sacramental sign of grace, for it represents the union of Christ and His Church.

Finally, this love is fecund. It is not confined wholly to the loving interchange of husband and wife; it also contrives to go beyond this to bring new life into being. “Marriage and conjugal love are by their nature ordained toward the procreation and education of children. Children are really the supreme gift of marriage and contribute in the highest degree to their parents’
welfare.” (8)

I sometimes visit a message board for mothers who have lots of kids. A woman on that board, who happens to live in Oklahoma, wrote this poem when she was expecting her seventh baby. I put a copy of it on my fridge when I was pregnant with Mamie, my #7. On days I’m feeling down about our junky house, or our inability to take a fancy vacation, or our perpetually empty pockets I read it, and it always makes me feel better. Toys, trinkets, diversions? They are nice to have, I won’t deny that. But when it really comes down to it, I choose life. I choose love. I choose God.

Okay, here’s the poem.

Seventh

I know I’m number seven
but the fact you can’t deny
is that God, Almighty Giver
is the author of my life.

My soul is no less special
and my spirit no less great
than those who came before me
be they one or six or eight.

So many eyes are blinded
by the whispers of this world
to them there is no miracle
in a human life unfurled.

A baby’s just a plaything
a burden or a chore
and we must proceed with caution
to prevent too many more.

Only a fool would trust the Lord
to give as He desires
and live a life of trust in Him
whatever that requires.

A new car may be exciting
a new house may be a prize
but my new life is better
than anything that money buys.

So all the world may roll their eyes
when seven they now see
but I can’t wait until I meet
the “fools” who welcome me.

Jennifer Wilson

And now it’s time for me to say goodnight.

Your friend,
Mooch a.k.a The Old Woman Who Lives in a Shoe

Laughter and the Love of Friends

“From quiet homes and first beginning, Out to the undiscovered ends, There’s nothing worth the wear of winning, But laughter and the love of friends.”

Hilaire Belloc (1870-1953).  “Dedicatory Ode.” Verses (1910)

I love this quote and the other things (which I’m sorry to say are few in number) I’ve read by Hilaire Belloc.  I’m looking forward to reading more of his writing and learning more about him.  If you would like to learn a little more too, you can go here http://www.catholicauthors.com/belloc.html for a short bio on this really cool guy.  And of course, there’s always Wikipedia too. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hilaire_Belloc 

The Five Factor Personality Test

Yep, I’ve been wasting time taking blogthings quizzes again. Just got over a terrible migraine – not much else I feel like doing. So what do those of you who know me think? How accurate are the results of my test? Or should I even ask?

Your Five Factor Personality Profile

Extroversion: You have high extroversion. You are outgoing and engaging, with both strangers and friends. You truly enjoy being with people and bring energy into any situation. Enthusiastic and fun, you’re the first to say “let’s go!” Conscientiousness: You have medium conscientiousness. You’re generally good at balancing work and play. When you need to buckle down, you can usually get tasks done. But you’ve been known to goof off when you know you can get away with it. Agreeableness: You have high agreeableness. You are easy to get along with, and you value harmony highly. Helpful and generous, you are willing to compromise with almost anyone. You give people the benefit of the doubt and don’t mind giving someone a second chance. Neuroticism: You have low neuroticism. You are very emotionally stable and mentally together. Only the greatest setbacks upset you, and you bounce back quickly. Overall, you are typically calm and relaxed – making others feel secure. Openness to experience: Your openness to new experiences is medium. You are generally broad minded when it come to new things. But if something crosses a moral line, there’s no way you’ll approve of it. You are suspicious of anything too wacky, though you do still consider creativity a virtue.

The Five Factor Personality Test

Things That Make Me Smile

Sleeping late
A good book
An invitation to play on a lonely day
Dinner, margaritas and laughter with new friends
Coming home
Old friends
Thrift store shopping
New babies
Fall mornings
Toddling toddlers
Being missed
E-mail in my inbox
Baby kisses
Long distance friendship
Little boy drawings
Selling on Ebay
Children singing
Being understood
Understanding
Good teachers
Forgiveness
Moving on
Hugs
Forever love